i havent been on here for months. ive been out of control since i left. i put on 2stone and i am in turmoil. eating and drinking had got to its extreme where all i was looking forward to was coming home and binging. some nites i binged til i couldnt breath, my stomach looked like i was carrying twins. i couldnt stop, it was an obsession. as the more weight came on, the more i was depressed and the more i ate. a vicious circle of depression. i tried each day to tell myself this is goin to stop, giving my self targets - like certain days i would start on because of this happenin or that, but they ended up bein excuses of just not starting my fast for that bit longer.

well here i am, this is my 11th day of only having water - its killing me, i still feel fat, i want alcohol, i want to binge, i hate myself and my life, i lost 12.5pounds, altho didnt weigh this morn, so im hoping i may be a pound less than that, but i still am soooo fat. im 5'4.5" and i weigh 135.5 - my face is the fatest ever, my arms wobble real bad, my legs are just a total mass of fat, my stomach, my ass, evrything.

but i know if i give up now, i will never ever have the willpower to do this ever again, and i will probably....well no, most definately, end up obese - cos once i start eating again, i will never stop

Well, I weighed myself this morning and it wasnt as bad as I thought - but even tho the scales are telling me one thing I feel absolutely ginormous (spelling!). I didnt eat yesterday, but really wanted to binge last nite just due to conversation by msn with ex and he just did my head in! i wanted to binge badly - to feel up my emptiness, hurt and anger with food (& alcohol) - but luckily my housemate was here so couldnt and didnt - thank fuck for that cos i know that i couldnt have handled it this morning.

i really want to join a gym but i hate the thought of goin - but i really want this horrible disgusting fat weight to come off.

i have done myself a new goal chart (like the one i did when i did my 20day fast in Feb) to give me some inspiration. i think i may be pushing it a bit but i just want this fat to go as quickly as possible.

i have given myself 14 days to lose 14lb - then 1lb every 2 days. my goal date and weight are 28th May (when i am due to go to a health farm with my sister) to be at 99lb. I am currently 129lb - yes, thats way too excessive but i cant do it any other way - its locked in me now, its all or nothing with food and weight. i dont care how unhealthy i will be - that doesnt matter - being skinny and in control and happy is what matters.

hw 140lb?? maybe more
cw 129lb fat fat fat
gw1 120lb by 9th April
gw2 110lb by 26th April
ltgw 99lb by 28th May

so thats 30lb in 2 months - i can do it :-)

not sure yet what im gonna eat as it just scares me the thought of eating. since yesterday have drunk tea, no-sugar squash. Bought myself some green tea and will start drinking that.

I wasnt going to post today but I have just replied to a friend on lj, so have copied and pasted what I have told her.....

I havent been on here for a while because I have got to my all-time low and worse state ever regarding food. And I am scared shitless.

My ed has just got so out of hand that I dont know what the hell I am gonna do!!!!! I have binged to excess for the past week. My weight must be so bloody high - my clothes are so tight. I just havent been able to stop eating. Monday I thought right thats it no more food or alcohol ever...i was not looking forward to my birthday because of my on/off relationship with my ex and how i feel like a failure in every way possible. I thought that i would treat it as a normal day but that of course didnt happen. I had managed all day Monday and up to midday ish on Tuesday where I had a slice of bread and butter. Ended up round mums and had pie and chips at teatime with the family along with a bottle of wine (I had all that). After they left and it was just mum and I, I just ate and ate and ate....I couldnt stop. I thought right thats it no more again - but yesterday again at 7pm i had a chinese, then chocolate, then toast. I just cant stop once I start. Mum says its cos I go without food but she just doesnt understand. Im scared because I literally cannot eat a thing, as when i do i just cant stop - i will never be normal.

Today I havent eaten - I dont know what i weigh and i look and feel disgusting. I bought some low cal soups to eat but im even scared to have 1 just in case it triggers something in my head - the guilt, the love, the hate of food is just my whole life.

So, the above is what and how I am feeling and am doing - shit!!! weigh myself tomorrow and get the shock of my life to hopefully make me never eat again.

I hate life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From my last entry on 9th last week - I did end up eating or should I say binging to excess. I couldnt stop - I ate everything in sight. I ate when I was full-up from food but empty from life. I really couldnt stop and it scared me. It lasted for 4 days. Started another fast yesterday - didnt eat. I dont know how long I will last though because I do feel like I want to eat to feel up the hole that I have inside of me. But I cant eat like a bloody normal person - its either all or nothing!! Its awful. I just now keep wishing that I was back to my 20 day Fast and that I had carried on - but I got so hungry I wanted to cry.

I was surprised at my weight this morning 128lb - not as much as I thought it would be after the amount I ate. This is less than my starting weight at the beginning (140lb) of my 20 day Fast - so I am just going to try hard. I want to be thin, not fat.

Right - be strong. What shall I make my goal this week! - how about losing 2lb for Thursday morning and then another 2lb for Saturday morning (wont be able to weigh myself Friday as am away). Try to be 124lb on Sat morning then will only be 4lb away from GW1 120lb. Doesnt seem so daunting then.

Well bated breath - see how I go.

Love to you all out there.

xoxox

Im hungry - so hungry this morning. Im tired of all this - this terrible cycle.

why oh why cant i just get there!

didnt lose any weight this morning - still 3lb heavier than when i ended my 20day fast on saturday. still 126lb (needle just, only just slightly under so not worth even counting that). I really thought I could at least get to my 1st GW of 120lb - but oh no, my body just wants to punish me - i want to eat today, i want to binge - but i know that as soon as i put one morsal in mouth it will be disastrous - the binge will start, then i will just feel like a complete fat failure and know that i will never be slim. Im 126lb for god sake - i hate that weight - i hate my body for letting me have that weight.

I will not eat
I will not eat
I will not eat
I will not eat

right - now i will read this and NOT EAT for god's sake

i feel a real bloody mess today - a messed up stupid fat failure
shit shit shit

God, updating myself on people's journals since yesterday as hadnt been on here for a few days. Also read thru my journal - still cant believe i managed 20 days without food, and i cant believe that i just ruined it!! well, no actually i can believe it cos thats me!

Anyway, 2nd day of yet another fast - short-term until i see my best friend on sunday. hope to be as low as i can really.

weighed 2lb less than yesterday but still 3lb more since saturday.

cw 126lb

just feel completely numb and cant be bothered to do anything at all today. got sore throat and heady thru not feeling well, teary and just want to hide away. have to look for job still tho. Ex has done my head in once again - and i hate him.

Well, I managed to go 20 days without eating a thing - lost 17lbs over that time. By that saturday nite (the 20th day of my fast)- i had some vodka and diet coke. quite abit!! i got sooo hungry, so we ordered pizza and chips and i cant remember how many slices of v large pizza i had but i gorged. i had got so hungry that evening that i wanted to cry and the alcohol made it even worse. The following 2 day binge happened:

sunday -
3 slices of bread and marge
another slice of bread and marge and packet of crisps
chips, curry sauce, 8 chicken balls from chinese
bottle of red wine
1 whole box of chocolate fingers

monday -
1 1/4 tuna sandwich
2 small chocolate bars & 1 jaffa cake
2 packets of dorittos
1 whole box of chocolate fingers
1 tin of cold baked beans
1 glass of red wine

This is what i gorged on - didnt enjoy, hated myself, knew what was happening once again - out of control - failure.

Weight this morning........128lb - put on 5lb since sat morning.
today is Tuesday - i havent eaten anything - just drank cold sugarfree squash
aim to eat nothing for the next 4 more days til when i see my best friend on sunday. i dont deserve anything - i was supposed to be alot less than what i am now and it has gone tits up - just like it always bloody does.

hungry tonite - good!!! i want to feel my stomach rumbling again out of the emptiness that i feel through my life.

i hate the world and i hate me

weight loss aim tomorrow - anything please!!

I feel like i am cracking up this morning....i am in pieces and dont know how to deal with it.....
Got on the scales and was 1lb heavier!!! - WTF is going on?????
I didnt lose any yesterday, and now weigh heavier than i did. why am i putting myself thru all this?!?!?!
i'll tell you why - for nothing, for continuing to be a fff - fat f**king failure
am i being punished for something - am i being punished for fasting
what have i done so wrong in my life that it has come to everything just being so bloody hard to deal with
i am trying to get a job - got 2 appts on friday with agencies in london. how the hell am i going to concentrate, try to convince people that i am good enuf to work for them when im not good enuf for anything
i want to scream

Its half-way through the 16th day of not eating. Didnt lose any weight this morning. Feeling pretty tired today. Feel really fat too. My belly just wont seem to go down - its really fat and bulging over when i sit down. I feel really fat today - just feel sooo low. Will i ever be thin!!!!!! My housemate just eats whatever he wants and he is just so skinny. He gorged a whole chocolate dessert the other day. I want to cry. This is just too much like hard f**king work - what the hell am i going to do when i have to eat - im scared im gonna have a mega binge and not stop and this all be just a f**king waste of time...just like me

Well, ive managed to do 2 whole weeks of not eating anything. Im not even hungry anymore. Last nite I didnt even struggle - i went to the cinema with my ex!! i have never been before where i havent eaten popcorn or got something to eat either before or after, and i didnt even miss it. We went for a drink first and i had diet coke, that is a first too. i was really proud of myself. he doesnt know what i am doing - i just told him i was on a detox and a diet. He said I didnt need to but he didnt push me into eating anything which was a relief - im nowhere near thin enough for anyone to suspect a thing.

I know that he will let me down again and hurt me again soon (it always happens but he draws me back in) and I know that when (not if) it happens that i will need my ed to hold onto as it will be the only control i have again. im scared, so scared that i will fall.

Lost 1lb this morning - 17lb in 2 weeks - i wonder how much is water and how much is fat. i cant stop now, cos it will just go back on so easily. I still feel fat, not one person has commented on me looking any thinner because i am so fat - i want the comments to start so that i feel it....but that wont happen until i am alot less than what i am. i was told on Sat at work by one of the guys that i look good - but cos i felt slightly better than what i have been, i made more of an effort and i guess that came through, so i guess thats one thing!

HW 140lb+
CW 123lb
GW1 120lb (3lb away) please by fri please please
GW2 115lb (8lb away)
GW3 110lb (13lb away)